What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

I will be 64.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

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He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

What was something you did naughty with your cousin?

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

Comes on , in middle age.

When she asked me how she looked .

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My family never makes their pension either.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

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One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

She married twice! .

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

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Was to survive, this bastard.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

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Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

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She was in good health!

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

If you caught a shoplifter at your yard sale, how would you handle it?

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

It was going to be , some day.

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Would this be the day?

I couldn’t, believe it.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

Put me off passion for life!!

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

But, we were locked up after school.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

I know ,a lot about trauma.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

I said to her

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

We all went to grammer schools

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

Why did i forgive my father ?

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

Who then, do I blame.?

They are buried together, in the same grave..

And who doesn’t know suffering?

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

I was 9 years of age.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

I have no regrets .

She loved him until the end.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

Where the ultimate outsiders.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

He was dying to do it , i knew.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

He resisted the act ,that day.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

(And it was in our own minds.)

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

We were not on the streets..

I could never make a relationship work though!

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

Ive learnt so much.

I never cut or harmed myself..

The only rule us 5 kids had .

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

This is soul school!.

Especially a lifetime of it.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

She found it foreign!.

I don,t even have a pension.

And i lived it daily.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

I was seconnd youngest,

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

But ive been too sick for many years..

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

All the time i was locked up.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

What did i know ?

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

As i do to all so called friends.?

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

I was very sick at this time too.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

I was scared of men, in general

So, i spoilt her more .

He knew the spot.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

I waited trembling.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

So whats the point in blame.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

One cannot live in the past .

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

I think the readers, may guess!

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

I did it because my mum asked me too!

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

I write beautiful poetry .

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

But it wasn’t much.

She wouldn,t have been !

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

My life is so biszare .

Im still living with it.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .